The Immutable Laws of Finding Lost Dog Toys

Dog playing with a tennis ballIf you’ve ever lived with a dog, then the following will be familiar to you. You’re getting ready to play with your dog and you ask “where’s your toy;” the dog begins a frantic search running back and forth jumping up and down but cannot seem to find the toy. It’s now up to you to repeal the laws of physics and somehow retrieve the toy from the black hole into which all toys seem to disappear from time to time. Some are eventually found but some never seem to be able to escape from the inky void.

After tweeting with my friend and fellow dog lover and trainer, Leslie Fisher, of Look What I Can Do Dog Training, we’ve come up with some immutable laws to observe when embarking on the search for the lost toy.

  1. If the lost toy is to be found under the bed, it will always be on the side opposite you.
  2. If the lost toy is hard enough to stub your toe on, it can always be found by waking up in the middle of the night and walking barefoot into the kitchen.
  3. Apply the rule of Forensics. Follow the trail of stuffing / guts to find the body of the disemboweled toy.
  4. To keep your toy driven dog’s mind engaged, send them into an empty backyard to find an imaginary lost toy and they will come back with a toy you didn’t know was lost.
  5. When looking for spare change under your seat at a drive through window, lost toys seem to appear.
  6. For the lazy/smart human, simply ignore the dog; they will bring you every toy in the house.
  7. Before blaming your spouse for that wet spot in the bed, make sure it’s not a recently lost toy.
  8. If your dog suddenly starts to squeak when barking, Veterinarians are helpful in finding the lost toy. If the Vet finds an 84 karat diamond as well, you’re not real but a character in my favorite Guy Ritchie film
  9. If a lost toy can truly be considered by a human as stinky, disgusting, repulsive or gross, it’s not lost; it’s waiting in ambush.
  10. Backed by the rigors of the scientific method, this law is foolproof but also the most complicated and time consuming. If you really want to find a lost toy, take the following steps:
    • Starting at one end of the house get down on your hands and knees and start crawling in a clockwise direction.
    • Look under and inside every piece of furniture in the house until finally you arrive back at the place you started.
    • While still on your hands and knees turn around, your dog will be standing there with the lost toy in its mouth.
    • Your dog will then drop the inconceivably found toy at your knees and happily lick your face in payment for all your hard work.

I have submitted these laws to Professor Stephen Hawking to ensure that we are not violating any of the laws of Relativity or Quantum Mechanics. In the meantime, if you have laws that you think need to be added to the list or can find fault with our sound scientific reasoning; please leave us a comment here.