Canine Conspiracy Theories

Happy Border Collie

Lee "Doggie" Oswald

Human beings are not alone when it comes to our proclivity for creating conspiracy theories. Dogs are big believers in conspiracy as well. Those of us lucky enough (some would say crazy enough) to have more than one dog in our home are well acquainted with many of the popular canine conspiracy theories. Those of you who doubt your part in any conspiracy against your dogs, read on at your own peril.

The Popcorn Conspiracy

Only two dogs are needed for this theory to pop to the fore but the effect is more enjoyable with each dog involved. Watch the look of disgust on a dogs face when it realizes that another dog just got the last piece of popcorn. The slighted dogs will look back and forth with incredulity, between the human responsible for the shortfall and the dog receiving the last piece. The lucky recipient of the last piece is shadowed everywhere it goes for the rest of the day by the slighted parties to ensure that no other goodies are unfairly dispensed to the new “favorite” of the household.

The Crunch Conspiracy

To a dog, the sound a piece of food makes is more important than the taste.  If two dogs are in a room and one has a crunchier biscuit than the other, you can bet that the louder crunch will be investigated. The dog with the quiet biscuit will look at you as if to say, “Ahaa! You’ve been hiding those from me all along haven’t you!?.” Of course you will be petitioned for a crunchier biscuit– after the stealthier one has been disposed of.

All Tennis Balls Are Not Alike

If you have more than one “ball hound”, then this conspiracy should be familiar to you. When two dogs are playing fetch at the same time, often one ball will not do for the simple reason that fetch often morphs into keep away, or in doggy parlance, “Look what I have that you don’t!”  Being natural problem solvers with big brains we figure that having more balls than dogs playing the game is a good solution. That is until we learn that the original tennis ball must have some special saliva producing chemical embedded in it that all dogs must have.

The Magic Water Bowl

You could run your dogs in a marathon through the middle of the dessert and not entice a single one to drink from a water bowl offered by you. But walk away and let just let one dog go up to the bowl and start drinking and they will line up like its Black Friday at Best Buy.

The Missing Dog

If we travel anywhere with a dog from our menagerie while excluding the others, it’s construed as conspiracy and tantamount to treason. Watching the line of inquiry the missing dog is subjected to upon return makes me think of what Anne Boleyn must have gone through as she was “Put to the Question” by the inquisitors of Henry VIII.

Like us, all dogs do not subscribe to the same theories. We would love to hear some of the ones that your dogs have come up with.


Kevin, Jackie, Gavin, Annie, Tosha, Elbee, and the Border Collie on the Grassy Knoll

2 thoughts on “Canine Conspiracy Theories

  1. If I try to teach the young pup a new trick, the old pup immediately attacks the young one. He is punished for attempting a new trick. The old pup doesn’t see why I would bother to teach the young pup a new trick.

  2. The other dog’s food is better. Because of a medical condition, one of our dogs is hand-fed (!!) canned food, while the other one continues to eat kibble. The special dog would now kill for a bowl of kibble and must be restrained while the other dog eats, while the other dog is convinced that she also should be hand-fed tiny meatballs of canned food and is reluctant to eat her previously delicious kibble without some canned food on it. Clearly, each believes, we’re holding out on them.

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