So You Think You Want a Human? – Prologue

Let’s face it, sometimes it’s hard to resist that sapient face cooing and kissing at you through the shelter door. Despite their penchant for ventral-ventral hugging and their absurd need to smooch us on top of the head, we realize that opposable thumbs are quite handy to have round.

But before you go ahead and decide that you’re ready to jump in that car and go for a ride, you need to do a bit of homework first. If you’re going to adopt a human, you need to honest with yourself about the cultural differences you’re likely to face.

Just as we dogs have different personalities, so to, do humans. Not all humans will display the type of behaviors we discuss here, but you need to be prepared to live with them just the same.

The Elmyra

As we alluded to earlier, some humans are prone to hugging and kissing. None more so than the Elmyra! This is truly the type of person for whom the phrase “killing with kindness” was invented. The battle cry of the Elmyra is “”I’m gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever” and they bloody well mean it!

Unfortunately for us, forever in this case has double meaning. It can feel like forever as you are being Heimlich-d within an inch of your life; and then of course there is the hard core Elmyra who goes that extra inch. So before you decide if a human is for you, you may want to see how long you can hold your breath!

Another behavioral trait of the Elmyra, is the fact that they love to play dress up the doggy! The outfits they choose for us can range from the functionally stylish, to bordering on embarrassingly lethal. To be fair though, I’ve seen humans dress themselves in far worse. Those who doubt me just watch the Bay to Breakers one time.

Human Cleanliness

Humans are obsessed with being clean. They consider any kind of dirt a personal affront to their humanity. If you’re going to adopt a human, be prepared to be bathed and brushed often. They have no appreciation for the precious gifts of nature like manure and scat. Should you role in it and attempt to come inside, be prepared for a scouring the likes of which no frying pan has ever seen.

In addition, should you decide to adopt a human, be prepared to make friends with the towel. Besides the fact that they use the towel to keep those abhorrent specs of mud outside their home, it has an immense psychological value to them as well.

Part and parcel of the whole cleanliness thing, humans don’t understand our need to sniff either. They consider it gauche and the ultimate form of embarrassment to be seen in public with a dog doing what comes natural to us. Hey, at least we don’t run around shouting “Pull my paw!” every time we have gas! Just be prepared to be interrupted mid-sniff should you decide to buddy up with a human.

Conclusions

To list all the human idiosyncrasies would take a tome larger that the Oxford English Dictionary, they are truly and interesting species. But despite their little quirks, they really are quite handy to have around.

Most of them are well meaning chaps with lots of love and treats to give. Just be sure that you’re ready to commit to one for life before you decide to jump in that car.

Our next chapter will deal with what to look out for when evaluating humans for the first time. If you have any specific questions you’d like us to answer, please let us know by leaving a comment here.

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