Visual Perspective of Canis Major Painus

Even if you saw us a crumbs, we still miss you!

According to scientists, our dogs vision is much like ours, minus the ability to see some colors. And while I am usually firmly in the camp of the scientific community, this time I don’t think they can see the hydrants for the trees. Anecdotal evidence may be largely ignored by the scientific community, but I find it hard to ignore something that keeps licking me in the face.

My keen powers of observation coupled with my simian CPU lead me to only one confusion, dogs see us as giant crumbs that shed epithelial, epicurean delights wherever we go. How else can you explain their behavior towards us? In order to prove this hypothesis to my scientific brethren, I ask that all dog lovers take part in the following survey. Upon completion, please leave your results in the comments section here and I will include them in a paper to The Journal of Irreproducible Results for their consideration.

Survey Question Number 1 — Excavation

Upon your standing from either a seated or prone position, does your dog…

  • A. marvel at your victory over inertia?
  • B. immediately place itself in front of your unsteady feet?
  • C. rocket to the spot you just vacated and toss it like an addict looking for a fix?
  • D. perform all of the above?

 Survey Question Number 2 — Salivation

How many times a day does your dog sit, stare, and salivate at you? (Even when you are not looking.)

  • A. Morning, noon, and night.
  • B. Diurnally and nocturnally.
  • C. All the time.
  • D. I’ll answer you once SERVPRO has cleaned up all the saliva damage.

 Survey Question Number 3 — Retaliation

On those rare occasions when you are not shedding crumb cells and your dogs search for the fallen proves fruitless, does your dog…

  • A. stare at you in disbelief?
  • B. shake you like a pecan tree?
  • C. place an ad for a new owner on Craigslist?
  • D. seek couples counseling?

Thank you for taking the time to help me with my stubborn scientific friends. And please, if you have a question you believe should be included that will lead to proof of our hypothesis, please feel free to leave those as well.

Yours in barking mad science,


4 thoughts on “Visual Perspective of Canis Major Painus

  1. I was fascinated by your questions, so I decided to contribute a little 🙂
    Survey Question Number 1 — Excavation
    None of those above: Our dog just stays where he is and watches me. Only when it is time to go for walk then he follows me.
    Survey Question Number 2 — Salivation
    None of those above: Only when I have something yummy in my hand in the kitchen.
    Survey Question Number 3 — Retaliation
    None of those above: Our dog is not interested in crumbs (Oh yes, it exists – this is the first dog I ever seen who is not interested in crumbs on the floor) 🙂

    • Hmm… I would say that your dog deserves further scientific scrutiny. Possibly not canine at all but an alien like Frank the Pug in MIB? 🙂

      • LOL I thought about that – Frank the Pug. And at one point I took a look at the inside of his ear with LED torchlight… 🙂

  2. I really like your blog and will follow you. Some tongue in cheek humor here! I’ll take the survey.

    Question 1: None of the above. He had my seat before I got up and I didn’t even know he was in the room.

    Question 2: None of the above. Only when he’s in the seat he’d snuck from me.

    Question 3: None of the above. He finds my son and whines to him about how stingy I am.


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