According to scientists, our dogs vision is much like ours, minus the ability to see some colors. And while I am usually firmly in the camp of the scientific community, this time I don’t think they can see the hydrants for the trees. Anecdotal evidence may be largely ignored by the scientific community, but I find it hard to ignore something that keeps licking me in the face.
My keen powers of observation coupled with my simian CPU lead me to only one confusion, dogs see us as giant crumbs that shed epithelial, epicurean delights wherever we go. How else can you explain their behavior towards us? In order to prove this hypothesis to my scientific brethren, I ask that all dog lovers take part in the following survey. Upon completion, please leave your results in the comments section here and I will include them in a paper to The Journal of Irreproducible Results for their consideration.
Survey Question Number 1 — Excavation
Upon your standing from either a seated or prone position, does your dog…
- A. marvel at your victory over inertia?
- B. immediately place itself in front of your unsteady feet?
- C. rocket to the spot you just vacated and toss it like an addict looking for a fix?
- D. perform all of the above?
Survey Question Number 2 — Salivation
How many times a day does your dog sit, stare, and salivate at you? (Even when you are not looking.)
- A. Morning, noon, and night.
- B. Diurnally and nocturnally.
- C. All the time.
- D. I’ll answer you once SERVPRO has cleaned up all the saliva damage.
Survey Question Number 3 — Retaliation
On those rare occasions when you are not shedding crumb cells and your dogs search for the fallen proves fruitless, does your dog…
- A. stare at you in disbelief?
- B. shake you like a pecan tree?
- C. place an ad for a new owner on Craigslist?
- D. seek couples counseling?
Thank you for taking the time to help me with my stubborn scientific friends. And please, if you have a question you believe should be included that will lead to proof of our hypothesis, please feel free to leave those as well.
Yours in barking mad science,