K9 Rhetoric

Do I want fries with that?

As NIMFIC here at Dog Lover’s Digest (Number one megafauna in charge, aka Big Dog,) I take it upon myself to blog about the things that puzzle me about humans from time to time. Today’s topic, rhetorical questions.

For the most part, we dogs are pretty much carpe diem kind of creatures, we see fruit, we pluck it. It’s no big secret that we live in the moment. So you’ll forgive us then if it drives us crazy when you preface every activity you engage us in with a question you already know the answer to!

Having watched enough television in my day I know that the best way to respond to rhetorical questions is with a smart ass answer. So I thought I would take some of your most common questions and give you the majority Canis Major response.

You want to eat?

Would you like me to continue slavering until a you need a life preserver?

Do you need to go pee?

No, I normally stand with legs crossed and eyes watering; a little bit of urine leaking out of me every time I take a breath. Why do you ask?

You want to go walkies?

First of all, why do you talk to me as if I’m a child? Try spelling walk and see if I don’t pick up on it better than a two year old! Secondly, I’ve been cooped up here all day while you were at work or on Facebook or whatever it is you do. Finally, this barking, jumping, yipping, yapping, rolling, running, leaping, and lapping I’ve been doing since you walked in the door is not a routine I’m practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

You want a bath?

Are you high? You think I went out and rolled in that nice fresh pile of green cow manure because I wanted you to wash it off? You get to indulge in your eau du toilet treatment every day (which makes me sneeze by the way) so why can’t I take my toilet treatment a little more literal?

You want your nails clipped?

Lay off the weed will ya! You want a bikini wax?

I could go on but you get the point. So before you utter your inanities next time, think about what you are asking.