Conversations with Dogs

Sunday, April 8th will mark the start of a new weekly series on Dog Lover’s Digest “Conversations with Dogs.” This series was adapted from some thoughts I had after a particularly trying day of doggy deeds followed by 3 pints of Guinness and a long hot shower.

The series will follow the imagined conversations between me and my four dogs. I use the term “imagined” from a purely scientific standpoint because although my dogs can’t technically talk, I am 100% sure that I can accurately translate the sarcastic and disdainful looks they give me into accurate and faithful translations — minus proper grammar.

The main cast of characters is as follows:

Kevin – Our gallant protagonist who seems to be the butt of all jokes canine. Despite proof to the contrary, he foolishly considers himself the most sapient being in the series.

Gavin – An Australian Shepherd who doesn’t trace his lineage back to Australia, the Basque region of Spain, or a ranch somewhere in Colorado, but to Alexander the Great. Gavin “knows” he is the most sapient being in any room and uses his “sarcastic vision” to greater effect than Superman’s heat vision.

Annie – A spaniel mix who is a refugee from Hurricane Katrina. Annie is a fearful dog whose motto is “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you!” Her super power is that she can sense a thunderstorm from hundred miles away and she’s damn sure going to let you know about it.

Tosha – Another Australian Shepherd, she provides comic relief for all beings in our series. Her super power is the ability to stick her tongue out yet remain dignified in any situation. Rescued from a hoarder, Tosha is always on the lookout for intruders to her domain; that is, when she isn’t napping.

Elbee – A JRT of unknown parentage who showed up rode hard and half-starved on our doorstep. He plays the part of the Oliver Twist to perfection. His super power is his unbridled cuteness which can be summoned in an instant — less if you’re pissed at him.

We sent out some advanced copies of this series to some VIPs for review, here is some of what they had to say…

Bertie, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi living in Jamaica says, “It’s the dog’s bollocks!” We have no idea what that means, but since male dogs spend half their lives licking their bollocks, we think it must be pretty good.

Simon Cowell said, “It’s absolute crap!” but what the hell does he know. We heard Paula Abdul cried when she read her copy.

“F@*#!&$ brilliant!” Matilda, the English Bulldog

“We couldn’t stop laughing!” The Hyena Brothers

“Bullshit!” Penn & Teller (Actually, Penn said that, Teller didn’t say a word.)

“A self-indulgent rant penned by a narcissistic curmudgeon who grandiosely thinks himself the Dave Barry of dogs!” My Wife

We hope that you will tune into our little series and that your reviews will be just as glowing/glowering as these. If you have any suggestions for a topic we should explore, please leave us a comment below so that it can reviewed by our editorial board.

Handwritten suggestions smelling of bacon will be given special consideration.

Cheers,

Kevin

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