Doggy Kisses

Just as we humans have developed different styles and techniques for kissing, so too our dogs have developed their own slobber application methods. Some are cute; others are less than desirable, and a few are outright disgusting. My gang all have their own natural style along with a few others they have adapted to produce different effects.

The Pie Plate Kiss

This kiss is best characterized by visualizing Dino ambushing Fred Flintstone returning home from work. The whole face is licked clean as a pie plate and no spot is missed, an exuberant display of happiness. Even though it may be a bit messy, you just can’t help forgiving the slobber that accompanies such affection.

The Prehensile Probe

My girl, Tosha, practices this one often, much to our dismay. It’s not that we have any less affection for Tosha, we just know what she eats in the back yard. To visualize this kiss, imagine you are at a zoo and you turn your head around and run smack dab into a giraffe tongue, unnerving to say the least.

The Reluctant Peck

Gavin is the biggest practitioner of this in my house. He is not a touchy feely kind of dog, hugs and kisses are not his thing. Still he tolerates it from my Elmyrated wife Jackie and gives her the obligatory peck on the cheek. “Yes I love you too, now can I watch the football game?”

The My Gastronomic Clock is Ticking Kiss

This kiss is a prolonged one on the lips designed to get you off your ass and into the kitchen where the food is. It’s often employed at 1 nanosecond past normal feeding time, although, it can be used as a feeding calendar reminder as well, coming at 30 and then 15 minutes prior to feeding time. If you imagine a wolf pup trying to get a pack member to regurgitate food for it, you’ve got the picture.

The Appeasement Kiss

Employed by needy and unsure dogs trying to establish your feelings towards them, if you’ve ever kissed someone who tried too hard, you’ve got the picture. Needy and often too probing, it’s really awkward, especially if the tongue slips through.

The Go Away Kiss

Sometimes the best way to get someone to go away is to be overly aggressive. This kiss is employed by dogs that want space but just can’t seem to get it. Think back to the pie plate kiss with three times the slobber. My dog Elbee uses a variant of this kiss by licking his butt until it has the clarity of a flawless diamond and then goes in for the kiss.

The Michael Corleone Kiss

This kiss is denotes betrayal. It is a quick kiss followed by a direct stare and is an intense exchange. This kiss is most often seen when one dog in the house catches you giving food to another without reciprocation. “I know it was you, who betrayed me!”

As always, we welcome your comment and additions. As all dog lover’s know, the love our dogs bear for us is rivaled only by the ways in which they try and get us to do their bidding!

Cheers and have a great week.

Kevin

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