Malarkey in Dogs

ma·lar·key [muh-lahr-kee]

noun Informal .

speech or writing designed to obscure, mislead, or impress;bunkum:
The claims were just a lot of malarkey.

It seems that Joe Biden has re-introduced the word malarkey into the American lexicon. As dog lovers, we have been intimate with malarkey since the day they brought our first dog home. From the “I’m going to explode and shower this whole house in urine look”, primarily used to get us to open a door never exited, to the “You DID NOT feed me just a minute ago” stare of incredulity, dogs have elevated malarkey to an art form politicians can only dream of.

In the spirit of the revitalization of the term, I’d like to offer a few synonyms that are  perfectly adaptable as names for our dogs.

  • Bilge ‑ A proper name for a lab who refuses to stay out of stagnant ponds, pools, and rivers.
  • Beans – Any Jack Russell or Parsons Terries remotely near its youth is capable of wearing this moniker
  • Blather – Most herding breeds are found enough of their own voice to fall into this category.
  • Muck – Rot – Rubbish – Dogs who are fond of long walks in the woods and even longer bouts of rolling in scat, rotting carcasses, and sundry other smells that rival a wastewater treatment plant.
  • Balderdash – Any dog that has a propensity to suddenly dash about the house like its head was on fire and its ass was catching.
  • Poppycock – Usually associated with the more gentile breeds whose natural visage is one of disdain.
  • Tommyrot – This dog is one who does not approve of your cologne, perfume, or hairspray.
  • Folderol – This dog simply refuses to let you fold laundry without adding its own personal flair to the process.
  • Crapola – This nom de plume is perfect for dogs who give you a look after being medicated that says “Cheese is not enough to mask the taste of that crapola.”
  • Hoodoo – Perfect for dogs who have mastered the “It wasn’t me” stare.
  • Piffle – Fitting for dogs who have mastered the “I don’t believe were out of treats” look, but in a matter of fact way.
  • Hogwash – For those “You’ll have better luck catching a greased pig before you get me into the tub” type dogs.
  • Bunk – Can be applied to most any dog that suggests it as the place you should sleep.
  • Fudge – Apropos for dogs that give you that look when you tell them they can’t have chocolate.
  • Twaddle – For that hard to housetrain dog.

Some of you may disagree with some of the associations I have made here, and that’s okay. I’m as full of applesauce as the next person.

Have a good weekend, and don’t put up with too much bull hockey.