Rolling around on the floor wrestling with a dog may not appear to be the most cerebral of activities, but I often find it to be very thought provoking. It’s one of those things that allows you to both be in the moment, and at the same time, reflect on the happiness you see and feel.

It’s a special gift that allows you to both feel the connection to another living thing, and at the same time recognize its unique gift. A moment of time wherein we feel the true calling of human beings, to be in balance with our surroundings.

So the next time your rolling around on the floor, covered in fur and slobber, remember to pat yourself on the back for that moment of normalcy.

Mitakyue Oyasin

Do I want fries with that?

As NIMFIC here at Dog Lover’s Digest (Number one megafauna in charge, aka Big Dog,) I take it upon myself to blog about the things that puzzle me about humans from time to time. Today’s topic, rhetorical questions.

For the most part, we dogs are pretty much carpe diem kind of creatures, we see fruit, we pluck it. It’s no big secret that we live in the moment. So you’ll forgive us then if it drives us crazy when you preface every activity you engage us in with a question you already know the answer to!

Having watched enough television in my day I know that the best way to respond to rhetorical questions is with a smart ass answer. So I thought I would take some of your most common questions and give you the majority Canis Major response.

You want to eat?

Would you like me to continue slavering until a you need a life preserver?

Do you need to go pee?

No, I normally stand with legs crossed and eyes watering; a little bit of urine leaking out of me every time I take a breath. Why do you ask?

You want to go walkies?

First of all, why do you talk to me as if I’m a child? Try spelling walk and see if I don’t pick up on it better than a two year old! Secondly, I’ve been cooped up here all day while you were at work or on Facebook or whatever it is you do. Finally, this barking, jumping, yipping, yapping, rolling, running, leaping, and lapping I’ve been doing since you walked in the door is not a routine I’m practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

You want a bath?

Are you high? You think I went out and rolled in that nice fresh pile of green cow manure because I wanted you to wash it off? You get to indulge in your eau du toilet treatment every day (which makes me sneeze by the way) so why can’t I take my toilet treatment a little more literal?

You want your nails clipped?

Lay off the weed will ya! You want a bikini wax?

I could go on but you get the point. So before you utter your inanities next time, think about what you are asking.

Barks,

Gavin

© Lili Chin & www.doggiedrawing.net

Believe it or not, there are dogs out there that don’t want to meet you or your dog, even if you and your dog are the most amiable beings on the planet. For some dogs there is no Dr. Doolittle effect.

As the owner of fearful and reactive dogs I can’t count the number of times scenes like the one depicted in this excellent poster by Lili Chin of doggiedrawings.net have played out. People always seem to think that they and their dogs are exceptions to the rule.

But the plain and simple truth is that some dogs need space; more than most. In their world they have two options when faced with an interloper, run away, or act aggressive and risk a fight.

So the next time you are out, and you see another dog, remember how you feel when someone comes into your personal space uninvited.

Lili Chin has kindly made this and many other training illustrations available on her outstanding website, doggiedrawings.net.

Cheers,

Kevin

I cannot tell a lie... I cannot speak at all!

When I was in grade school corporal punishment was an accepted part of classroom discipline. One day our teacher decided that none of us could go home until the culprit of a particular misdeed (I can’t even remember the exact misdeed) admitted their guilt.

After about an hour or so of sitting at my desk I decided that I really wanted to go out and play so I stepped up and admitted to the deed, even though I hadn’t done it. I figured my classmates would be happy they got to go home. What I didn’t figure was that some of them would not believe me when I said I hadn’t done it and I would get my ass kicked over it.

I sometimes wonder if the guilty person was one of the ones kicking my ass, but I regress. My point today is about evidence and certainty.

Too often we take our dog’s actions and reactions as gospel proof of a suspicion. If we hear a plausible explanation that backs up our suspicion then we go from hunch to immutable cornerstone of the universe. And all this with an animal that cannot directly communicate with us in our native language. Hell it takes my wife and me half an hour to communicate where and what we want to eat and we’ve been together for over 25 years.

Please remember that we can never be 100% certain about many of the motives of our canine companions. It’s always better to train our dogs how to cooperate than to correct them over our suspicions.

Cheers,

Kevin

Being a dog lover is a lot like being a standup comedian. Recounting the adventures of you and your dogs can sound like the dog owners equivalent of “You Might Be a Redneck.” Additionally, more than one dog-less person has posed questions to me that seem to beg for a sign. So, in the spirit of Jeff and Bill’s observational skills, I’d like to offer a few from the dog lovers point of view.

You might be a dog lover if…

• Out of 20 coupons printed on your grocery receipt, 19 are for dog treats
• You have a couch in your house that humans are not allowed to sit on
• You wear nothing but earth tones
• There are at least three lint rollers in every room
• You have a washing machine dedicated to dog towels
• You refer to the closet of stuffed toys you got on clearance as “Death Row”
• The local animal shelters have you on speed dial
• Your veterinarian personally thanks you for sending her kids to college
• You have panic attacks because you can’t breathe only to discover it’s a hairball
• You have to be physically restrained when the topic of flexi leashes comes up

Here are a couple of photos of things in my house that have recently prompted someone to ask me if I had a dog.

Why yes, we have dogs. Why do you ask?

I wasn't feeling well!

If you have any stories of non dog people asking questions without the aid of available data, please share them with us.

Cheers,

Kevin

Sometimes it pays to be sneaky. At 6’2″ and somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 lbs, nobody would accuse me of being stealthy and any athletic grace I may have possessed in my youth has gone the way of the brontosaurus. So I rely on opportunity and inspiration to accomplish those tasks which require  a dexterity I no longer possess.

My Aussie, Gavin, has never liked having his nails trimmed, and though he is not a fearful dog he’s a damned suspicious one! He’s always on lookout to see what you have in your hand. He figures that food alone is a good thing. Food coupled with anything else in your hand needs to be evaluated at a distance. Anything else that isn’t food or a ball should be avoided with extreme prejudice.

For those of you with short haired dogs, trimming the nails of a dog with longer hair and feathers is often akin to finding a needle in a haystack. It’s best to have a cooperating dog in order to keep the session short and sweet.

So using that superior(?) brain of mine, I’ve taken to hiding the nail clippers under the edge of the couch. Gavin loves to nap on the couch with his legs stretched out for maximum comfort. This posture affords me the opportunity to covertly reach under the couch, grab the nippers, and start on the first nail before he even realizes what’s going on.

Laying on his side on a bunch of cushions doesn’t allow him to spring to his feet. Quick egress is not possible and he soon lets out a heavy sigh and lays his head down and allows me to do my dirty work, albeit not before giving me the doggy “Eat Shit and Die” look.

By way of punishment he’s not going to look at, or come near me for at least a half an hour or a couple dozen treats, whichever comes first.

Cheers,

Kevin

Throughout the month of January, Disney will be posting a series of dog training videos on You Tube at www.youtube.com/DisneyMovies.
Each of the Buddies, along with April Mackin, a trainer at Birds & Animals Unlimited, the company that has trained the Buddies on several of their films, will be featured in the series. Make sure to check the site each week for tips on dog training and examples of how the trainers prepare the Buddies to perform on set!

The dog training video series can also be viewed on the Buddies Face Book page www.facebook.com/TheDisneyBuddies.

Do I have to make a resolution?

I love my dogs but they are crap when it comes to making and keeping New Year’s resolutions. They bark and whine about having to make a list in the first place and insist that we should just love them for who they are. While I agree with their logic, I made a list for them anyway. As I said in a recent post, Achieving your Training Resolutions of the New Year, setting specific and attainable goals is the first step to achieving them. So, I wrote down three specific goals for each of them.

Gavin

1. Double the time it takes you to “eat” your meals from 5 to 10 seconds. This can be accomplished by actually taking a single breath when you eat.
2. Halve the amount of time you bark after you’re cued to be quiet. This can be accomplished by using the current breathing technique you use for eating, for barking.
3. Slow down your aging process by any means necessary. We have you guys for way too short a time.

Annie

1. Increase the amount of time you stay in the same room with me after I cuss by at least a second. I cuss religiously, it’s daddy’s way of setting the world straight and has nothing to do with you.
2. Increase the amount of impromptu greeting you give me by at least one a week. You know how much I love your little surprise visits.
3. Remember that that lump under the blankets on the couch is Elbee, at least try to look a little sorry when you step on him.

Tosha

1. Decrease the amount of poosicles you eat by 100%. I promise to give you anything else you want in their place.
2. Try not to hump Elbee in front of company. We aren’t on a reality TV show.
3. We don’t really need to know that there’s a kitty approaching our yard at 5AM, we’ve locked the shed up and she can’t steal anything.

Elbee

1. Sniffing us for crumbs after we eat is cute, THE FIRST TIME. After that it gets kind of old. Remember that mommy is the soft touch not me.
2. Reduce the histrionics when you know you’re going for a walk. We know you’re excited but you don’t have to do an impression of the Tasmanian Devil for us.
3. Tosha sets a bad example when it comes to edible items found in our yard; don’t follow her lead.

If you have lists that you’ve made for your dogs this year we’d love to hear about them. Remember, the Mayan calendar runs out this year and there’s no telling if the Zombies will let us last that long.

Cheers

Even if you saw us a crumbs, we still miss you!

According to scientists, our dogs vision is much like ours, minus the ability to see some colors. And while I am usually firmly in the camp of the scientific community, this time I don’t think they can see the hydrants for the trees. Anecdotal evidence may be largely ignored by the scientific community, but I find it hard to ignore something that keeps licking me in the face.

My keen powers of observation coupled with my simian CPU lead me to only one confusion, dogs see us as giant crumbs that shed epithelial, epicurean delights wherever we go. How else can you explain their behavior towards us? In order to prove this hypothesis to my scientific brethren, I ask that all dog lovers take part in the following survey. Upon completion, please leave your results in the comments section here and I will include them in a paper to The Journal of Irreproducible Results for their consideration.

Survey Question Number 1 — Excavation

Upon your standing from either a seated or prone position, does your dog…

• A. marvel at your victory over inertia?
• B. immediately place itself in front of your unsteady feet?
• C. rocket to the spot you just vacated and toss it like an addict looking for a fix?
• D. perform all of the above?

 Survey Question Number 2 — Salivation

How many times a day does your dog sit, stare, and salivate at you? (Even when you are not looking.)

• A. Morning, noon, and night.
• B. Diurnally and nocturnally.
• C. All the time.
• D. I’ll answer you once SERVPRO has cleaned up all the saliva damage.

 Survey Question Number 3 — Retaliation

On those rare occasions when you are not shedding crumb cells and your dogs search for the fallen proves fruitless, does your dog…

• A. stare at you in disbelief?
• B. shake you like a pecan tree?
• C. place an ad for a new owner on Craigslist?
• D. seek couples counseling?

Thank you for taking the time to help me with my stubborn scientific friends. And please, if you have a question you believe should be included that will lead to proof of our hypothesis, please feel free to leave those as well.

Yours in barking mad science,

Kevin